November 2025 Reflections
So heads up, this month’s reflection is taking on a Scorpionic flavour. It’s been a lot of…processing emotions, rather than consuming things and pop culture this time. Evidently, I didn’t consume much. I was busy editing my film, My Dear Friend Douglas. And while working on this project and preparing for its release, lots of questions around relationships, boundaries, and motives started coming up. The kind of cynicism I had first developed in high school started resurfacing with a silent vengeance. At times “petty”, at times “butthurt”, but I didn’t want to deny myself of these feelings. So I hope you excuse the gloominess as I become transparent and vulnerable for a moment..
Overall themes felt this month
A very strenuous and intense catapulting momentum before I get thrown into December.. Sag Season
My ego, my cynicism in humanity (not to be dramatic..) when I sense the lack of authenticity and support from friends and family
Lots of nostalgia and returns from the past (whether that’s traumas and memories, or in re-connections with old friends)
The overarching astrology of November
November 19th - New Moon in Scorpio
November 26th - Venus in Scorpio (my Venus is in Scorpio by the way)
November 29th - Venus in Scorpio Opposing Uranus (Retrograde in Taurus)
The rough timeline of my November went like this:
First half of November: Everyday, 9-7 work on “My Dear Friend Douglas” video. I did not take a single break, weekends included. I was so enthralled in the process of making this video and I wanted to see it to the end. A lot has gone into it and I’ve learned so much for a first “film”. From colour-grading, understanding music clearances with production companies, to sound adjustments (making sure certain soundbites weren’t “clipping”, understanding the standards for db peaks on sound buses), to getting down the English and Korean captions…so much of myself was poured into this. Not only my heart, but a ton of energy.
Unfortunately I was not able to give my body the love that it needed, namely exercise. I became extremely sedentary where I sat on my chair pretty much all day, only to lie down for bed right after. It was very unhealthy, and I could hear my body going, “What the hell man?” as it had just gotten used to loving the schedule of doing just a little bit of computer work in the morning, then biking and venturing outdoors the rest of the day in Victoria. I could feel my body feeling shackled and very sad. I need to give it more love and care this month.
My eyesight has definitely degraded after working on this project, which is worrisome. It’s my first month using the Apple Studio Display, and I think its brightness has taken a toll on my eyes.. even with the bluelight glasses. Although I love the sharpness of this display, I very much miss the warm, blue light filter of my old acer monitor.
Nostalgic overload (in the best way ever) - Somehow re-connected with random old-time friends, from colleagues, to way back.
My mom’s high school friends stayed over for a few days and I got to witness them reminiscing on their past
They told me what a gift writer my mom was and how all the teachers who loved literature adored her for it, which was a really precious moment for me.
This month my grandfather unarchived and sent me a lot of childhood videos. Every night he would send me a couple and I’d end my night watching them. It can be quite a trip. Next time you feel like smoking that joint, try watching a childhood video. Much trippier.
Nov 27th: I finally released my video. Really coincidentally an old-time friend of mine had called me to go for dinner and drinks. It was perfect timing to take the load off finally and “celebrate”. I had my first cigarette in a long time. And boy did it feel good.
Nov 28th: I quickly suffered from only drinking half a bottle of wine and ended up incredibly hung over the very next day. I slept all day.
Nov 29th: I started writing my first draft of November 2025 Reflections. I was in a very moody, emo state. A bit of darkness has been looming over ever since releasing my work. I started getting quite cynical about the quality of my friendships with the lack of support. I’ve been starting to think it’s not worth sharing my work on Instagram, not because they don’t “care”, but because this group in particular doesn’t deserve access to a piece of my heart.
I had taken a walk with an audiobook of The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. It calmed me down a lot.
I was able to have a lovely phone chat with my best friend. She instantly lifted my mood.
I was able to hash things out with another close friend, as I brought up that I felt like we were becoming distant with the constant grind and “hustling” in the way of our friendship.
Nov 30th: Here I am now finishing up the second draft of this reflection.
I start to receive feedback around my video. It’s fascinating how some people get what I am trying to convey on a deep, visceral level, and how others don’t. Some “understand the assignment” I secretly hope they get, others simply don’t.
When I first wrote the rough draft of this, I was incredibly emo.
As it hasn’t been obvious, I follow astrological transits closely like the weather (and with weather, I never check haha). And though I try my best not to let that forecast how I feel (as if to adapt to the themes set by the stars), I truly, and I mean truly, felt the magnitude of the deep, Scorpionic themes like a dark, bloated cloud looming over me all month.
It’s not just because I wanted to feel this way to “dress up as Scorpio” like some Halloween costume. I’ve been affected by the following events in reality:
I’ve worked laboriously on a film project only to have very few people show explicit support
I had a long time friend (once ‘best friend’) DM me to support her small business page, after having ghosted my recent text, and has never to this day watched a single IG story of mine for the past 3 years and counting.
My mom was not exactly my biggest fan of my work (but this, I’ve grown used to)
A lot of my friends have been really on that “standing on business” thing, that they’re starting to stand..a bit too hard… as if they are standing on the seat of a tractor, bulldozing over whatever is in their way.. that I..can’t make out who they are anymore and they can’t quite get a read on me.
And as I’ve been working on my Vancouver Island film project, My Dear Friend Douglas, many questions came up consistently:
Who will be interested in watching?
Who will be supporting my endeavour?
Who will actively, consciously choose not to?
Who will be silent in showing support, yet be the first to watch?
Of course, this project is primarily for me. So why do I care so much? Because for a while I’ve been sharing my heart whether in the form of art, videos, words on my Instagram, and I could feel that it did not resonate with most of them. And I started to not tolerate the feeling that I was speaking into a dark, black void. I understand that one’s art can be for themself, and it doesn’t need to be shared to hold resonance and validity. But I want to feel seen, heard, and connected to others who might understand me and my art. I’ve been in hermit mode for so long, I started feeling like it was time for me to share it more openly to others who might just get me. I love expressing, I love creating, I love my art. And at some point, it felt stifling to keep it locked up in a private account filled with people who did not care.
But something I realized is once your close friends and family notice this side of you, of going all in for a more public artistic journey, they are first to show “unsupport”. It was new to me as it’s been my first time openly expressing my working on this project, yet it is a tale as old as time.
This phenomenon of friends and family not showing support, but strangers being the biggest supporters, it’s been around for a while. Yet while the content creators notice this, I find it that what we feel unanimously (for the most part) true is: none of us can shake that icky feeling off. Why does that happen? We know it seems to be the “norm”, but…like why? I just can’t understand the irony behind it. But is it really irony? Or is it a conscious choice people are making? Could it really be just a reflection of truth from both sides? That one is willing to put themself in the arena, it’s opening night and friends are invited…but many will choose to stay home with no plans, stay in their comfy pajamas watching Netflix, rather than come out to watch?
I remember when I used to support my friends in their creative or entrepreneurial or career endeavours..whether it a small business, a 180 in their career, or content creation, I tried my best to be a supportive first cog in their very infantile wheel of supporters they were building out. Whether it was by some large donation sum, or spending my time watching their stream after clocking out of my own 9-to-5, commenting and re-sharing with love and support, buying their overpriced service or product, tipping heavily, or simply direct messages like, “Hey, I love what you’re doing, and keep doing you”.. I stand here today with not getting any of this back for my journey.
The unfortunate reality is:
Most friends would rather watch an hour long montage of cat videos than spare 30 minutes to watch my film that I poured my heart and soul into.
“Friends” or real-life acquaintances will dare not show support, even if it is as simple as lifting a finger, a double tap on the screen, yet they will quietly make sure to catch up on every story and like selfies of celebrities’, those with whom they’ve never exchanged words or met up for a lunch or coffee before.
My burner account will have less than 10 followers, 0 comments on any post, yet 5k views overall, with hundreds, thousands of views per post.
My mom just followed my YouTube channel last night. Last night… She was the first to see my finished film last week..
My mom watched my film and the best compliment she could give was “대체적으로 매끄러웠다.” which means “Overall it was smooth.” The second best comment from her was “There was nothing glaringly off about it.” You’d think your mom would be your number one biggest fan. My mom doesn’t work that way. She humbles me and while back then I’d cry over her lack of enthusiasm for me, it’s probably fermented into the kind of lore that leads to not requiring much external validation (though it would be nice to have sometimes 🥺)
A sole comment I got from a friend on my recent film was, “I can see you put a lot of effort into it.” and nothing else after that. I had to ask for more feedback and they said, “I see your artsy side, and some people will get it, others won’t.” As if I don’t know this already..
Not even my family shows any interest in clicking my promotional story that leads to my video. So they never bother seeing it.
Some people will express support to you, but will never watch. Some people will not express support to you, but will watch.
Some of your closest friends and family, though they may look at your work, will say all the wrong things you don’t want to hear or nothing at all. The most distant people, people you don’t even know, will say all the things you were hoping to hear.
These are truly curious conundrums to me. Why do our words not match our actions, why do those who should be closest and familiar to us start showing unfamiliarity and distance?
Not everyone is going to be interested in or even like your work, this part I totally get. But what I don’t get is why do we withhold likes to even show support? Yet they’ll DM me on my marital status to get some divorce tea out of me, or they’ll hit me up because they want to make sure they still have access to me.
And I really can’t help but to take it very personally. Even if you told me, “It doesn’t matter, don’t give it mind or attention, it’s not that deep, it doesn’t mean what you think, why should you care anyway, etc.”, please excuse me as I lean very heavily into this butthurt feeling..but could I also just be calling a spade a spade?
But this phenomenon, I quickly find out, is not uncommon, rather the rule. As Instagram does a vibe check on me through its algorithmic, watchful ways (damn, even the IG technology tunes into how I feel more than my friends do, that just ain’t right 😭), it starts presenting stories about this as “the rules of show biz”.
“No, cause when did social media become a place where your own friends ignore your posts and strangers turn into your biggest supporters?” You see this caption and variations of this verbiage all over millions of reels of content creators. And right at the bottom of those reels, you see your influencer friends’ likes. It’s like a territorial mark of “I was here. Keep going." It seems to be some rite of passage of sharing your work online, no matter what it is or who you are. Oh, I think I get it now.. This is totally normal and perhaps a subtle indicator that you’re on the right track. Not a very good feeling no less, but a learned stoicism starts to present itself to me.
I used to try to hold space for the bad feelings I instinctively felt. Whether it was the vibe of a person that was putting me off, or the energy I was feeling from a person. I used to try my best to “be the bigger person” and play devil’s advocate against myself on their behalf to rationalize why they would be this way. And what usually ended up happening was I’d end up forcing myself down flat into a doormat, as I’d let them become more biased with their own perspective at the expense of my own, ultimately revealing to me that people are simply showing you who they are. Period. I don’t agree with being “above things” when you don’t feel instinctively right with something in your heart. Of course, there are exceptions as in every case. Sometimes you do need to take a step back and re-assess, reflect, and understand your own biases around the situation. I hate even having to include this disclaimer but I have to. But my point is, I’ve learned that it is rather humanly whole and authentic to sit with these iffy emotions, without denying them or trying to force a re-frame, pigeon-holing “your benefit of the doubt” peg into what is actually an unfair-and-square hole.
I took myself for a walk and felt called to read “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield. I listened to the audiobook on my walk and I heard exactly what I needed to hear. I hope it helps the reader as well.
The War of Art
Resistance and Unhappiness
“What does Resistance feel like? First, unhappiness. We feel like hell.
…
What makes it tricky is that we live in a consumer culture that’s acutely aware of this unhappiness and has massed all its profit-seeking artillery to exploit it. By selling us a product, a drug, a distraction. John Lennon once wrote:
Well you think you’re so clever
and classless and free
But you’re all fucking peasants
As far as I can see
As artists and professionals it is our obligation to enact our own internal revolution, a private insurrection inside our own skulls. In this uprising we free ourselves from the tyranny of consumer culture. We overthrow the programming of advertising, movies, video games, magazines, TV, and MTV by which we have been hypnotized from the cradle. We unplug ourselves from the grid by recognizing that we will never cure our restlessness by contributing our disposable income to the bottom line of Bullshit, Inc., but only by doing our work.”
Resistance Recruits Allies
“When a writer begins to overcome her Resistance—in other words, when she actually starts to write—she may find that those close to her begin acting strange. They may become moody or sullen, they may get sick; they may accuse the awakening writer of “changing,” of “not being the person she was.” The closer these people are to the awakening writer, the more bizarrely they will act and the more emotion they will put behind their actions.
They are trying to sabotage her.
The reason is that they are struggling, consciously or unconsciously, against their own Resistance. The awakening writer’s success, becomes a reproach to them. If she can beat these demons, why can’t they?
Often couples or close friends, even entire families, will enter into tacit compacts whereby each individual pledges (unconsciously) to remind mired in the same slough in which she and all her cronies have become so comfortable. The highest treason a crab can commit is to make a leap for the rim of the bucket.
The awakening artist must be ruthless, not only with herself but with others. Once you make your break, you can’t turn around for your buddy who catches his trouser leg on the barbed wire. The best thing you can do for that friend (and he’d tell you this himself, if he really is your friend) is to get over the wall and keep motating.
The best and only thing that one artist can do for another is to serve as an example and an inspiration.”
Resistance and Support
“Seeking support from friends and family is like having your people gathered around at your deathbed. It’s nice, but when the ship sails, all they can do is stand on the dock waving goodbye. Any support we get from persons of flesh and blood is like Monopoly money; it’s not legal tender in that sphere where we have to do our work. In fact, the more energy we spend stoking up on support from colleagues and loved ones, the weaker we become and the less capable of handling our business.”
So far, this is a fantastic book. I am really enjoying it, both in content and prose. However, for me what I am currently grappling with is: It’s not the resistance of creating and making art that is the issue. I do it because I can’t help it, I must. But it’s the proliferating it, getting it in front of screens and eyes, the “marketing” aspect where I am met with a ton of resistance. I’m having a hard time navigating how I will get more viewers and subscribers. I want to do it in an authentic and least-sell-out way, but I know that when it comes to being an artist for a living, you always have to pick a “lesser or two evils” and you do have to sell out in some regards.
Other quotes that I loved this month
“One for me and one for them.”
— My great friend Althea relayed this quote to me during a video call this month. I so appreciate her and her support as she has much
“The most personal is the most creative.”
— Bong Joon-ho quoting Martin Scorsese
Of course I’m breaking some structural continuity with my monthly reflections. I think I like letting the theme of each month lead the way of each reflection.
But if I were to preserve some integrity to structure and include things I’ve liked..
Things I’ve liked
Nescafe Espresso Black Coffee Concentrate - amazon.ca/dp/B0FB447BDC?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title
Plush Faux-Mink Blanket - amazon.ca/dp/B0F4X6W1Y3?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title
Fuzzy socks - Got a great 2 for $10 deal on these long ones. Love!
Snuffle mat for my dog - Allows her to not inhale her treats lol. I like seeing her have to work for it. I didn’t get her the more intricate toys where it’s like a MENSA exam for dogs.. I love her so much but she’s definitely not a STEM dog like the others..
Chiikawa phone popsocket — so cute
Got bluelight lenses for some of my glasses — love
Not working out
Smack Raw Dehydrated Dog Food. My dog is not a picky eater (she doesn’t like fruit though). As long it has some type of protein in it, she'll gladly gobble it up. She hasn’t been feeling this way towards the Smack treats, which sucks, because I really wanted this Canadian brand to work out.
I bought the multi-pack of the cat version to and my cat doesn’t care for it either :/
